Sometimes I get into these awful funks. Not all the time, but every once in a while.
And when I get into a funk it's sort of like a domino effect. I'm feeling bad so I think of EVERY possible bad thing in my life and I get really, really, really depressed and angry and it's simply not good.
Now, I don't understand why I think of everything bad because it really isn't healthy.
When this happens I think of the quote: Dying is easy, comedy is hard.
This is so true. It's easy to be bummed out and harder to see the good in everything, especially in crappy situations, but we really just have to try.
This one biker dude in my yoga class said something quite profound that I will never forget, he said:
Depressed people are depressed because they think too much.
When I get depressed, that's exactly the reason why... I just think too much.
And my thoughts generally involve all things past and future, but not so much in the present.
I never really think about what I can take care of TODAY.
When I get depressed I think about all the things I missed out while I was in and out of the hospital; like for example: my brother is in high school right now and he goes to various dances and that's great. I'm really happy for him and all, but when I look at his prom photos or just recently his homecoming pictures I start feeling really down because I didn't get to go to those events. I was in too much physical pain. The day of my senior prom I was actually in the hospital getting a second back surgery. And honestly that bums me out. And I start mourning my lost childhood in a sense I guess.
Then there's the opposite side of the spectrum: the future. I worry way too much about the future. I worry that I won't make a difference in the world, which I realize is like a ridiculous thing to worry about, but nevertheless it's something I worry about. Sometimes I worry that my book will never get published, that my book is a stupid piece of crap that I wasted five years of my life on; I worry that I'll never get married, that I'll end up being a 40-year-old virgin librarian with like 7.5 cats; I worry about doing well in college and paying for college; I worry that I will get cancer or brutally murdered (I know, morbid); I worry about getting a future job that I both love and will allow me to be financially stable, etc.
As you can see... I worry a lot.
But as you can see, none of this really has anything to do with the present. Nothing in here is really something I can do about now, at this present moment in time.
So, why then, don't I just focus on the things I can change and do something about now?
Good question.
Just writing this post out is making me feel better all ready. It's making me see just how ridiculous my worrying really is.
Well, this is something I am still working on. I'm still working on centering myself in the present, to make sure that I live in every moment of my life because when I think about the scary/disappointing memories from the past or the terrifying blankness and question-marked filled future I kind of lose myself and forget what I need to get done now and if I don't get it done now then it just adds to my worries, which is not good.
So, here is what I like to do when I stress out.
I clean.
I do laundry and tidy up my workspace.
There is a saying that goes: Outer order contributes to inner calm.
I believe this to be true. Now that I've cleaned up a bit, I feel much calmer. More in the moment. More centered.
This was sort of a rant that I needed to get out, but I certainly hope there is something in here that you can benefit from.
Be conscious of what you worry about. Is it the past? Is it the future? Or is it something you can focus on and change in the present?
Remember to compartmentalize stuff. Figure out what you need to get done today. Focus your thoughts on today. Sure you can think about the future, but try to focus more on the present because I truly think we're (or certainly I'M) not doing this as much as we need to.
Blog to you later!
Love,
Manders
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